All of that changed though when Andy and I, who already knew each other through work, started to hang out more in social environments. It was no secret that his marriage wasn't working, and any time we had office happy hours she would scream at him on the phone and other crazy things. Working in events, you really need to be available all of the time. That's not to say you get calls 24 hours a day, but if someone needs to call you at 11pm, they should be able to get a hold of you. Brenda made him turn off his phone at night, which, along with her other restrictions on him, led to multiple issues with co-workers, and ultimately some justifiable role changes at work because she simply wouldn't have it. He did what he could to put his marriage first, and his work suffered. We've since formed a balance, where he tries really hard to not be emailing the entire time we're at the grocery store, but I certainly understand when something happens and he needs to be available. This works out well.
Because we work for a smaller company, we all sort of knew when things ended in his marriage. She started badmouthing him to friends who worked for the company, so it wasn't tough to figure it out. Not long after, we went out to lunch, the first time it was just the two of us. I was enthralled with his resiliency, but later realized it was just the happiness of not feeling like he was under someone's thumb all the time that made him so different during such a tough time. That afternoon, I wanted so much to kiss him, but he beat me to it. You know that song that says, "it's in his kiss, that's where it is!" -- yep, they didn't lie. Best feeling ever.
We took it easy at first. It wasn't like I thought there was a chance he was going back to his wife, she made it pretty clear in her constant screaming at him over the phone that this wasn't just an argument. He started to research attorneys to file for divorce, but every time he was able to put aside even $100, she demanded to know where the rest of her money was and if he didn't hand it over, he could forget taking the kids to the park that weekend, oh, and "it's in the children's best interest."
It took him nine months to come up with the money, and it wasn't from saving. Andy is one of those people who regularly goes above and beyond to ensure that things are handled properly, and that he takes care of people. There have been a handful of times when this has come back to him tenfold, and this was one of them. Someone whom he had really, truly, spent a lot of time and effort taking care of, offered to loan him $6000 to retain an attorney. That person later asked him to not return the money, and to think of it as a gift. When he told me that, I teared up. He had already been through a lot at this point, and I don't think this friend knew the magnitude of their generosity.
During this nine months, Brenda let Andy see the kids only, a) when it was convenient for her, and b) at their house. If he did something to make her mad, woosh, there goes kid time until she calmed down. The kids were very young at this time, 5 and 2, so they weren't involved in activities that allowed him to just drop in and see them. If he tried to go to the house uninvited, she threatened to call the police. She held all of his belongings captive, threatening his time with kids if he were to ever try to take any of his stuff while he were at the house. This went on from about February of 2009 until August of 2010. The later part of this timeframe he was eventually allowed to take the kids to the park and to dinner. He would try to, very courteously, ask that Brenda meet him someplace so he could take the kids to dinner and make it back by the time she said, and she would literally belittle him via text message, saying that he could come by the house to get and that it wasn't necessary for her to be so inconvenienced if he really wanted to see his kids, and if it simply wasn't feasible, it was just another example of why he's a bad father. I know these things only because Andy has an iPhone, and he never erased the text messages. We've since saved them for use if need be. Here's a couple less mean examples, but it was like this ALL of the time:
At this point in our relationship, I was beginning to realize that Brenda was a challenging person to deal with in general and not just during a tough time, but a part of me still understood the anger and resentment because, well, everything this woman thought her life would be just sort of fell into the gutter and she was left alone to figure it out. Andy at least had me, and although he didn't really like to discuss her or what was going on, we had a great relationship, and he felt free from the prison of emotional and mental abuse that he endured at "home."
Speaking of home, that's one of the most significant parts of the story. Despite Andy having a great job, during their marriage, they moved a lot and rented. Brenda didn't want to work after baby one, so they were on a month-to-month budget. About a year before they separated, they decided to buy their first home. Andy only lived in it for about six months once the purchase process was done, but more than three years later, she still lives in it and is completely uncooperative in any option to get out. I mean, don't get me wrong, if she were actually paying the mortgage, it wouldn't be a big deal, but you didn't expect me to say she's doing that, did you? Of course not. Hasn't been paid in nineteen months. And the bank is in the process of foreclosing, but that's jumping ahead about two years, so I'll get to that later.
bk
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